I haven't written here in a while, I guess. But right here, right now, I have something to say and I'm going to say it. What the hell else is a journal for?

One of the things I like about being drunk is how I can feel the weight of reality on me. During my normal day, when I'm sober (no, no...this isn't an addiction confession friends I'm sober most of the time) I try to mitigate the impact the effects of my life, personality, and loves on my waking day-to-day life. I spread the risk around. I diversify my investments. But when I'm drunk, I can go all in. I look at my life, I look at my heart, and with a slightly distanced but ultimately accepting stance I think, "From where I am right now I can see clearly where I am invested. My time. My energy. My life is at least partially in the hands of these people who I love." Those thoughts, which normally would terrify me and cause me to seek shelter, are alright with me. And you know what? The weight bears down on me heavily. I can feel the gravity...but when I'm here and drunk I simply accept it. Could I get out? Certainly. Do I like the consequences that come with getting out? Not really.

So I stick around and accept the pain and happiness that comes with being where I am. I think that all we can do is pass down the beautiful things we learn. Not to our children but to those around us who care. Our family, friends, and lovers. Even if they're flawed, sharing our personal revelations is special. I won't give it up. I love you, I love you, I love you.

And if that makes me an idiot...so be it.

I'm leaving soon. In fact, I have a day left in Colorado. Whether this is a permanent move or not I can't rightly say. I guess I won't know for several months and then it will be too late for strung out farewells.

Anyways, what I do know is that over the past three years I have allowed my personality to veer wildly off course. When I look in the mirror in my head, I no longer recognize myself. I've decided that this move is the perfect excuse to get back on track, unlearn those bad habits. It's terribly difficult but I want to be back where I was three years ago. Much happier. Much clearer in my head...without really having any clarity at all. I'm a very introspective person and the upside of this is that I feel I know myself pretty well. Hopefully I can isolate and work on the personality traits that I prefer in myself and decide to abandon those that are less savory. One thing's for sure...I have (and treasure) some attitudes and beliefs that others find difficult to handle or completely incorrect. If one thing is for sure, it's that I plan to preserve these qualities as long as they suit me. Which they do. :)

I'm getting better. One day at a time, which is perfect...because that's all we have.

"Love of mine some day you will die
but I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark.

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
just our hands clasped so tight
waiting for the hint of a spark.
If Heaven and Hell decide
that they both are satisfied
illuminate the "NO"s on their vacancy signs.

If there's no one beside you
when your soul embarks...
then I'll follow you into the dark.

Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule,
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black.
And I held my tongue as she told me,
"Son fear is the heart of love."
So I never went back.

If Heaven and Hell decide
that they both are satisfied
illuminate the "NO"s on their vacancy signs.

If there's no one beside you
when your soul embarks
then I'll follow you into the dark.

You and me have seen everything to see
from Bangkok to Calgary.
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down.
The time for sleep is now,
it's nothing to cry about
'cause we'll hold each other soon...
in the blackest of rooms.

If Heaven and Hell decide
that they both are satisfied
illuminate the "NO"s on their vacancy signs.

If there's no one beside you
when your soul embarks...
then I'll follow you into the dark."

The other night = amazing. If you don't know what I'm talking about, this entry isn't for you. I have to admit that I didn't access everything that I was looking for, definitely. On the other hand, it was like life in a nutshell. Fear, joy, relaxation, relief, desperation, and pure awe. As always I'm looking back with a good deal of understanding. I see the attraction. It stuck with me for a while. These experiences speak to me...and I know there's a bigger lesson that I still have to unlock. I'm so close to having things put together but the elements that are still missing are the most evasive of all. And they involve choices that aren't always easy along with true bravery. An ability to abandon that which truly doesn't matter. Right now, I lack that ability. My mind lacks freedom in a very serious way. I've been deceived, I see that now. Somehow I need to loosen the tangles all around me and back away slowly before I get even more tangled up.

Repeat after me: "Amanda. The things you are looking for are not worthy goals. Happiness, love, being here in the present moment, giving back to your fellow human beings...these are worthy goals. Wipe the delusions away because they are only doing you harm."

Anyways...I am going to remember a few of those moments for the rest of my life. Carnivals, elephants, the overpowering need to hug you, and the impossible window. There was a glimpse of something magic there that I can't explain. And that's okay. I just need to get comfortable with that reality again.

Hello.

I have two or three days left in Colorado and then I leave. Maybe for a while, maybe forever. The more I look at things, the more I wonder "wtf am I doing?" I remember once about six years ago visualizing myself as a dog sliding down a hill, paws spread out to slow the descent, head pulled back to resist confronting whatever awaited at the end of the fall. I didn't want to go, but natural forces that I had set into motion had taken control of the situation and were forcing me onward. Back then, I was excited until the day that I left. This time I was excited until about three hundred and two hours ago. That was when the dread crept in, although the groundwork was laid long before that. Truth be told, my spirit has been lagging underneath the weight of constant obligation. I don't blame anyone for this, of course. It's all of my own doing. But then again, that doesn't really matter...the contracts I have written and signed with myself and others have pinned my wings to a bulletin board and I'm fading fast. The Scorpio in me observes this situation and advises me to RUN but Cappy still isn't convinced and he's got the reins here. He's advising me to restrain myself and be reasonable. And of course, there is a point to all of this...we can't make any progress without the obligatory forward lumbering motions. I've got some more dues to pay...the story of my life, right? Somewhere deep down though, my mind is screaming out to me to keep in mind that this feeling isn't new. It's classic. It's familiar. There's a calling for me to go, go, go. Get away. I feel like I'm bad at lumbering but I was never taught to do much else. That's why I'm jealous of my brother...he never lumbers. He charges ahead. I want to charge ahead but why am I so afraid I'll charge right into the abyss?

The lesson I am learning from this whole process is that change never comes when you want it to. I can think of a thousand times over the last twenty-four years that I would have given my everything to be gone. Anywhere. And now...I can hardly tear myself away. Love and promise are here and I feel like all that is there is drudgery. Booooooring. I don't know what makes me say that. I feel misguided. I feel directionless despite my "clear" path. I'm in crisis mode here. Who am I? Where do I want to go? Who is coming with me and why? In some moments, I would trade my freedom for a forced path just so I would no longer be able to chose. As it is, I'm staring at a world of opportunity and I can't seem to decide what elements I want to hold onto forever so I pick up each one, play with it for a bit, and then move on. I see the positives and negatives in each one but none of them resonate with me. I just want a path. Something that feels right. Not just now, but all the time.

Maybe it's about time I started taking some real chances? If only I could live up to that...